Stranger
by jhuniemarieilarde
Summary: She never mentioned anything about her struggles but then I took a closer look. All she ever wrote was how things were going at her new work, the new Capitol, the politics and progress. The letters were never about her. She loves talking about herself but she never did in her letters... (Set after Mockingjay Part 2 but got some flashbacks. Feel free to leave comments) #hayffie
1. Chapter 1

Another day, another bottle…I know I sobered up during the rebellion but those days are over. Snow is dead. Coin is dead. People are living freely and in peace. I am not sure about the peace part since I've been stuck here in Twelve with Katniss and Peeta. I don't know what's going on with the other districts aside from Four. Johanna keeps us updated about what's going on with her, Annie and Finn. I didn't even witness her giving birth to little Finnick but maybe it's for the best. It will only bring so much memories and I don't think I can take it without any whisky. Annie hates it when I drink. Johanna doesn't mind though. She gets it…the longing to forget and be numb for a while.

This day is supposed to be another ordinary and boring day but I was wrong. The phone started ringing but I chose to ignore it. It's too early to banter with Johanna so I fed the geese at the back of the house to clear my mind with their noise. After which, I stared at Effie's letters on the table, all opened. She never failed to write anything since we left. Well, she didn't send any letters for this week but maybe she's just busy. I never wrote her anything but I am sure she knows I read hers. I am not good with words. Still, it is good to read from her that somehow she manages to survive in the Capitol.

_"__You're leaving?" she asked when I told her I am coming with Katniss to Twelve._

_"__Yeah, gotta look after the girl. I can't let her be alone", I answered._

_Her face fell but she got that smile on her face, that same smile I recognized after working with her for so long._

_"__That is a nice thing to do, Haymitch. Katniss needs all the help she can get to recover and you being there for her will be a good thing", she said and I am not sure if she means it._

_"__What will you do then?" it's my turn to ask._

_I wanted to ask her to come with us but will she? She's Capitol and all her life, she's only known luxury. Now that the war is over, she can go back to that now. Twelve doesn't have that._

_"__I will look after Peeta. The poor boy has to remain here for his therapy sessions", she answered._

_Right. I forgot about that._

_"__Well, that's it. I came here to tell you that so you know ahead of time. We leave this afternoon", I said awkwardly._

_She pursed her lips stopping herself from saying something._

_"__I'll be there to say my goodbyes properly. Thank you for telling me", she said politely._

_I sighed._

_"__Eff", I tried but she stopped me._

_"__It's alright. I understand. The children must come first. You don't have to say anything else", she said and then turned around to close the door._

I can still remember her goodbyes to the both of us. I couldn't help myself back then and I kissed her to let her know that I still care. I do. She smiled briefly and told me to take care of Katniss and that was it. I tried calling her but she never picked up the phone. Peeta came back to Twelve and told me that she's doing alright. She found a job and moved to a new apartment. He doesn't talk about her that much. I don't know why. It could be because he's still working on his recovery or maybe he resents me for leaving Effie behind in the Capitol before. I wouldn't blame him. I resent myself for that too. If I knew they would do that to her despite her being a Capitol citizen, I would've brought her with me in Thirteen…but that was all in the past now. I cannot change what happened. I can only drink myself until I drop to forget.

"What the hell are you doing?" Katniss burst through the door.

Her face is red and I can swear there is smoke coming out of her nose. The girl is angry…very angry.

"What's gotten into you? It's early in the morning", I asked.

"You didn't answer your phone", she said.

"You calling? Kid, your house is just next door. Just come in and tell me if you need something", I said.

She frowned.

"I wasn't calling you, Haymitch. It was Plutarch", she said.

Plutarch? The man hasn't called me since we left the Capitol. Why call now?

"What does he want?" I asked.

"Effie's in the hospital", she answered.

It's like a cold splash of water thrown at my face. Effie hated hospital. Ever since she got out of Thirteen's clinic, Mrs. Everdeen had to conduct her checkup in her room because she didn't want to go back there.

"What happened? Was she in an accident? Did someone attack her?" I fired questions at her.

"She overdosed", she answered briefly and took her time to absorb my reaction but I got none. "He said he found her in her apartment unconscious. She didn't turn up to work and he wondered because she was never late so he went to check up on her. He said she's still not waking up", she added.

Overdosed? I don't know she's taking any medication. She used to take sleeping pills during the early years of our time together but she stopped that when I told her to.

"Peeta said she hasn't been doing well in the Capitol, not financially, but mentally and emotionally. He said Effie doesn't sleep at night but she tries her best to mask it. He didn't tell you anything because she asked him not to. He's at the house taking his time. The news affected him so much. He feels responsible because he left her there", she revealed.

I knew the boy was keeping something from me. I recalled her letters. She never mentioned anything about her struggles but then I took a closer look. All she ever wrote was how things were going at her new work, the new Capitol, the politics and progress. The letters were never about her. She loves talking about herself but she never did in her letters.

"Can you handle Peeta?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?" she answered then asked me back.

"I am going to the Capitol. I am going to see Effie", I answered.


	2. Chapter 2

The journey back to the Capitol brought back so many memories. Just being on the train flooded me with memories, mostly of Effie's constant nagging about manners and schedule. I miss that part. I want to hear her nag at me all day long. I used to complain because I am a fool. I took everything for granted and now I am going back to the city I hated to see her in the hospital because she tried to kill herself. _…tried to kill herself_. That won't sink in my brain deep enough. She's been through hell but she's tough. I know she's always been tough but it's been months, almost a year. I lost track on her and how's she's really doing. I didn't come back. Katniss is forbidden to travel but I can and I didn't. I left her again.

Plutarch provided a car to take me to the hospital fast. If the press finds out I am in the city, they will soon find out about Effie's overdose and he's doing his best to shield her from the scandal.

"Where is she?" I asked as soon as I saw him.

"She's in her room. She's unconscious. The doctor said they've gotten the pills out but she's still not waking up. Her immune system crashed since she wasn't eating properly. Well, she barely eats. At least, she pretends to when I force her to have lunch with me so I can make sure she will put something solid in her stomach but I am not sure when she's alone if she's eating", he answered.

Effie is picky when it comes to food and she eats small portions to watch her figure but after she was rescued, she's gotten used to being starved that her stomach turned when she eats something. It was a problem but I've seen her try hard. She was working on it but then she got left alone.

"What happened to her?" I finally asked.

She's sending me letters but she's a good writer. She used to prepare the kids' speeches of gratitude to the Capitol for years. I should've known better than to fall for them.

"She spiraled down. The work at the office distracts her a bit but she became worse. She picked up your habit and I think she's way worse than you when it comes to drinking. I got guys following her every night to make sure no one will touch her when she got herself drunk. Sometimes, she's totally out of it that she didn't realize it was my guys who brought her back home. Of course, she kept saying she's fine when I asked her. You know her better than me", he answered.

She's good at pretending and putting up a good show for everyone. That's her defense mechanism.

"It's sleeping pills, isn't it?" I guessed.

"Yeah…a whole bottle", he confirmed.

Effie used to have a problem with sleeping pills but she stopped. She stopped because I asked her to. She barely eats. She drinks. She probably smokes too and she's back on sleeping pills again. How can I be so stupid?

"I want to see her", I said and he stepped aside to let me.

She's pale and thin on the hospital bed. It's not as bad as when I saw her after she's rescued. She wasn't covered in wounds and bruises this time but I know her brain and heart are. I sat next to her bed and held her hand.

"Hey, sweetheart…this is so not what you wrote me", I muttered. "Open your eyes. Just wake up and I promise you I will never leave you again. I will take you with me and you'll never be alone ever again…come back…please", I pleaded.

She didn't wake up. She didn't open her eyes the entire day. The following morning, I felt a hand ran over my hair. I knew it was her so I didn't flinch. I sought for her eyes and I saw pain and sadness.

"Hey there, princess", I greeted with a smile on my face because finally she's conscious.

"What are you doing here?" she asked in a weak voice.

"I came here for you", I answered and then sighed. "Why did you do that for? Getting drunk is understandable but pills? We talked about that and now, you swallowed an entire bottle of it", I asked.

She's tough. I know I can ask and I know she will be strong enough to take my questions.

"It was an accident", she muttered.

"Bullshit", I spat and gathered myself. "You're the queen of doing things correctly. You will never have taken whole bottle of sleeping pills by accident, sweetheart. We both know it so stop lying", I added.

Embarrassment flashed in her eyes.

"It seems the best idea at the time. A good way out than the other alternatives…it's less messy", she answered while averting her gaze.

Good way out? Other alternatives? Less messy?

"You never talk about that, EVER. Killing yourself is not a way out, Eff. That won't solve anything. Hell, it will cause more problems. How do you think the kids will react if you kill yourself? Peeta is already beating himself up when he found out what you did", I exclaimed.

Peeta's name triggered something in her. She always loves that boy.

"How is he? This is not his fault. Why did you tell him?" she asked.

"I didn't. Plutarch called their house so he found out first before me and yes, this is not his fault so don't ever try something like this again because if you did, you will pull a lot of people down with you too", I answered.

It's not meant to be harsh but I need to get that inside her brain. I can see how much she gave up. She's suicidal at this point and I need something that will stick to her.

"What do you suggest I do then?" she asked in defeat.

"Get better. Once you're out of here, I am taking you with me to Twelve and that is not up for discussion", I answered.


	3. Chapter 3

If anyone told me before that Effie Trinket will go live in District Twelve, I would've laughed but then again, this is a different time. She's meant to be with us.

The kids welcomed her as soon as we arrived. Peeta embraced him for a good ten minutes making sure she's really real and not just a figment of his imagination. I brought her suitcases in _our_ bedroom while Katniss set up the table. Effie remained silent the entire time. The geese caught her attention and for a brief moment, I saw her smile. It was short but it was enough for me to know she's not totally gone.

"You can help me with the bakery when it opens", Peeta's voice might've brought her back to us because her fingers twitched at the sound of his voice.

"That would be lovely", she said.

The boy didn't notice it. He's just so happy she's alive but I heard it, the detachment. She's like a programmed robot. She smiles on cue. She says the appropriate response to things. She answers questions like a computer.

"Where you stay? Peeta is basically living with me so his house is free", Katniss asked but before Effie can answer, I went on ahead.

"She's staying here with me", I intervened.

Effie shot me a look. It's not cold. It's rather embarrassed and guilty at the same time. She knows why I cannot let her be by herself. I wouldn't mind if she wants to have her own house but after what happened, I don't trust her to be alone in a huge house.

"That's fair. Living alone is not the way to really live", the girl muttered and that has done it.

Effie clenched the edge of the dining table and I saw her closed her eyes and tried her best to control her breathing. It was silent at first but then she coughed like she got choked by her struggle to regulate her breathing.

"Sweetheart", I called but she didn't look at me.

Panic attack…

I put my hand on her back slowly and ran it up and down to soothe her. She never had one before because, well, back then I thought she's doing well, but now I know she's taking pills to keep it control. She got severed from her addiction few days back so she got no shield from the attack.

"What's going on?" Peeta asked in panic.

I guess, the boy never seen her have one either.

"Princess, breathe…take it slow just inhale and exhale. Don't rush it", I whispered.

She relaxed slowly until her breathing went back to normal. She released her grip from the table and finally opened her eyes. She looks pale. Her eyes are watery and that's my cue to call it a night.

"Come on. I'll take you to bed", I said and she didn't protest.

I glanced at Katniss and she nodded. She knows what to do with the dishes and with Peeta. The boy looked absolutely stunned and afraid.

I removed Effie's shoes and set her down gently. She's lightheaded which is normal after a panic attack. I should know. I've been there before. I know a lot of people who went through the same.

"Which one is your trigger, princess?" I asked as I sat next to her. She didn't answer. "I need to know so we know how to avoid it. We don't want you having panic attacks and I am pretty sure you hate the experience as well", I added.

"There was that guy at the bar. He's not from the Capitol. I wasn't sure if he's a rebel. I entertained talking to him for a couple of minutes because I didn't want to get myself drunk. I had a meeting in the morning so I had to go home. He, uh…he grabbed my wrist and pulled me…I can't remember where. He said the exact same thing Katniss said earlier", she closed her eyes as she tries her best to remember but I put my hand on her face to stop her from remembering.

She doesn't need to tell me more. I already know what that asshole did. The burden of being the last living escort. She's a traitor for her own people and she's a monster for the others. It's one of the reasons why Plutarch kept a close eye on her but apparently not so close.

_Living alone is not the way to really live…_

My blood is already boiling but I am doing my best to hide it from her. She's been through enough for today. I don't want her to worry about my rage.

"I am sorry about the pills. You're right. It wasn't an accident. Everything is just too much. After you left, I tried to keep it together for Peeta. When he left, I tried to rebuild myself. I got work. I was going out again but things were not the same anymore. All the friends I've known are either dead or acted like I don't exist because I betrayed them. Soon, I got no one. Then, the people won't stop following and shouting and saying things in my ears…I can't keep them out. I have to shut them all out. I'm sorry if I cause you and the kids pain. You know how selfish I can be", she started pouring.

People following her, shouting at her, and saying things to her? Plutarch never mentioned any of those. I know some people were not as welcoming to Effie like the others but to be hostile?

"We all got our demons, Eff. You know that I know. I get the need to escape and be numb but taking pills is something we both have agreed on years ago. It's not the best way to deal with things and you know better. Why didn't you call me? You know you can always call me", I asked.

Effie just stared at me with her shiny blue eyes processing. Did she forget she can call?

"I don't think you would want to hear from me. We're not friends. You said it before you left me the first time. You said we're not friends and that I am just someone for you to play with when it's fun. So, I am not sure if it's okay to call", she answered and I froze.


	4. Chapter 4

I did say those things before I left the penthouse. Plutarch's idea. She knew I was going to go somewhere and she wanted to come. I had to convince her that it's not worth it to come with me. It was dangerous. We're not sure about the plan. We were going to ride a hovercraft inside the Capitol. We could be hit up in the air and she would be dead along with us instantly. Thirteen will not take kindly to her presence and Coin was just plain bloodthirsty for Capitol. I hurt her on purpose so she would give up on her request to come with me. I said mean things that I never gotten any chance to explain to her why I said those. It wouldn't matter because she still got hurt badly because of me. I was wrong to follow Plutarch.

"Sweetheart, I only said those because I was about to leave to declare war on Snow. You were insisting on coming and I didn't want you to get bombed with us just in case we couldn't make it out of the Capitol. I was wrong to leave you but at the time, it seemed logical. I didn't mean any of those, princess. You have to believe me. You're not just a fuck toy for me. You mean more, always have", I explained.

Her hands are shaking. She doesn't look angry which is way scarier because I don't know what she's feeling right now. That day when I left, she was crying silently but she wasn't shouting. She just took the words I gave and let me go. It's not how she fights. She always fights back.

"I know. Of course, I know that at the back of my mind but it's difficult when your words were being backed up by the Peacekeepers", she said with a forced chuckle.

"They were taunting you to hurt you. You can't believe them at all. You know that. You must know that", I said.

They were playing in her head. I was told about that by Johanna. She said they trained her to answer to them when they called her Abernathy's bitch. It still makes me angry until now to even think about it.

"It's hard sometimes. The voices, the words, they're all mixed up in my head. When I am around people or when I was drunk or high, it was easier to get rid of them", she muttered and then reached for my hand which I gave happily. "I've always known you never meant those words. I worked with you for so long, remember? You've said worse then and those you really meant", she added.

Sometimes, her understanding astounds me. I wouldn't forgive me if it's up to me but here she is telling me she knew I was just faking being mad at her at that time.

"You're safe now. I ain't leaving, princess. I should've gone back to get you out of that city but you know I can be very stupid sometimes. I won't make same mistake thrice. You're stuck here and you will get better", I said.

She smiled briefly before closing her eyes to drift off. I stayed awake for a good three hours unable to shake what she said earlier. Peeta said Effie never mentioned about people in the Capitol harassing her but that might be because she didn't want him to get worked up when he's there to get better. He noticed her not sleeping and getting agitated from time to time. She made sure he would not have any reason to stay longer in the Capitol so he can be with Katniss.

I must've fallen sleep too because the next thing I heard is Effie screaming next to me kicking and waving her hands in the air with her eyes closed.

"Stop! Stop! Please…stop!" she exclaimed hysterically.

I avoided her claws and pinned her legs so she wouldn't kick me in the balls.

"Effie, wake up. It's just a nightmare", I tried but she wouldn't stop so I grabbed her shoulders and shook her head.

Her eyes went open wide and then assessed her surroundings seeming unaware where she is.

"You're in District 12, actually, you're in our bedroom in the Village. War is over. You're safe", I said.

It always work with Peeta when he has episode so I figured it would work with her and I was right.

"Did I hurt you?" she asked.

"No, sweetheart. Don't worry about me. I can handle it", I answered.

She sighed and started shaking. I released her wrists and I knew they're going to bruise. I grabbed the glass of water on the table and gave it to her.

"Sleeping is a bad idea", she muttered before she took a sip of the water.

"That's why Peeta said you barely sleep. You don't want to get nightmares or you don't want anyone to hear you screaming from it?" I asked.

"Both", she answered coldly.

Effie used to be cheerful, loud, full of colors and yet the woman next to me is anything but. She's down, flat, quiet, dull, and the coldness that came out from her with that one word sent chills down my spine. It's like the Effie that I know is not here and she's replaced by a, well, a stranger.

She didn't return to sleep after that. It's surprising how she can still have so much energy with only few hours of sleep. She cleaned the entire house by herself to keep herself occupied and I didn't protest. It's better than her drinking and popping pills. When I found her in the kitchen, she wasn't scrubbing. She was just standing there. There's nothing wrong with standing in the kitchen. What's wrong is the way she eyes the knife on the counter. I got so freaked out that I took big steps towards the counter and put the knife inside the cupboards.

"Do you think I can pull that off?" she asked referring to the knife.

"After what happened in the Capitol? I am not sure but I'd rather not take any chances", I answered.

Her face is plain, emotionless.

"You don't have to worry too much. I am trying. I know you can't see it yet but I am", she replied.


	5. Chapter 5

_(After the Mockingjay's exile…)_

The good thing about being my mother's daughter is that she plans ahead. She always plans ahead. She must have foreseen that chaos would broke out soon so she made arrangements with our fortune and scattered it to different accounts that when Coin seized everything I have, Mother's backup plan took care of me. My entire family is dead. My sisters, my brother…all dead. That left me with a huge amount of money that was automatically transferred to my account right after Coin was killed. Perfect timing. I may be the richest person in the Capitol right now, Panem maybe, but I kept my mouth shut.

I moved to a new apartment. Peeta is going to stay with me while he's having his therapy so we need space. He doesn't have clothes either here so I bought him new ones, myself too. Once I got that all settled, I paid for his therapy without him knowing it, of course. Plutarch was curious but he never asked.

"This is a beautiful place, Effie", the boy muttered.

"Did you like it? I want it to be familiar a bit so I matched the interior with the ones we had at the penthouse…just a bit", I asked.

He smiled.

"I noticed that too it's nice. I really like it. Thank you for letting me stay", he answered.

The routine became easy to follow after a few days. I bring him to the clinic in the morning and I hurried out because the sight and smell on the place makes me sick. I go to work. Do a little bit of grocery shopping. Then, pick Peeta from the clinic afterwards. I wrote Haymitch letters too so he knows we're fine. Of course, I never mentioned about my sleepless night or my new hobby of drinking or the pills I cannot live without. He's already bearing being in Twelve and the trauma. He doesn't need to worry about me.

Things got harder on the streets as days went by. More and more people recognize me and they didn't keep their opinions to themselves. They let me know it.

"Capitol slut is still standing, eh?" one man said to my face once.

"How can you even call yourself Capitol after fucking your way with the rebels?" another one asked.

When Peeta left to go back to Twelve, it's like I'm a ship and I got lost my anchor and I drifted away in the ocean. The drinking became my saving grace. That and the pills, well, that's heaven. No more voices, no more pain, no more flashbacks. The bars became my favorite spots when I felt like going out. I have no idea what I do in those places but I always woke up in my bedroom…alone.

Getting pills is so easy with the money I got that I considered stop going to work but I don't want to risk getting attention from the rebels. They need to think that the job is what supports me.

There were times when group of men follow me to work or back home. They never did anything. That came later. It was late. I finished some paperwork at the office and it was good distraction. I was sober the entire day. I walked back since I wanted to go see the new park they built when I noticed they were following me again. I felt a hand grabbed my arm, another hand covered my mouth and then a lot of hands were all over me at once. I heard fabric tearing apart. I heard them laughed and taunted me. It was like being in my cell all over again. The Peacekeepers…it's an exact replica of the scenario. It's just this time, we're in a dark alley.

Once it's all done, I walked back casually to my apartment. I didn't realize it's possible to have a panic attack, flashback and be in touch with reality all at the same time. My mind was freaking crowded. I cleaned myself up before I smoked the entire night. I emptied the bottle of tequila at my disposal and still not enough to shut the voices away. Everyone is talking at the same time. Snow, the Peacekeepers, the rebels, the men in the alley, the Capitol citizen, Haymitch, the kids…they're all loud. I popped pills here and there to take the edge off. The voices faded but the faces didn't. I am going to explode. The phone at the table is calling me, begging me to dial _that_ number but the Peacekeepers won't let me.

_Abernathy's bitch…do you really think he cares for you? He left you behind and never even bothered rescuing you. He only needs you when he wants to fuck your brains out and that's just it. That's just what you are. A fucking Fuck Toy!_

I looked away from the telephone. They won't go away. Why won't they go away? Suddenly, my eyes fell on the bottle of pills in front of me. Now, that's an idea. Hanging is more Seneca's style. Cutting my wrists open is messy and will stain on the carpet.

"Can't believe I will say this but you're right, Mother…I will die alone", I muttered before swallowing everything in the bottle and chased it down with tequila.

The bright light hurts my eyes. I couldn't possibly land on heaven, not after all the kids I reaped so this place is definitely not heaven. I felt something warm beside me and there he is, sleeping peacefully. His hair has grown, so is his beard. I moved my hand pathetically to run my fingers on his hair and it woke him up. When his eyes landed on mine, I felt a wave of embarrassment and shame. I suddenly remembered everything before I woke up. He knows. I can see it in his eyes.

"Hey there, princess", is the first thing he said and I felt my heart racing.

I haven't heard his voice in a long time, a lifetime for me. I never thought I will hear it again. Then, he asked the question. Only he will do so without asking me if I am ready for them because he knew I will answer him no matter what. I upset him and I hurt him by giving up. It's so clear. I couldn't bear it.

"Get better. Once you're out of here, I am taking you with me to Twelve and that is not up for discussion", he said in finality.

Me going to Twelve where all of the people wanted me dead. I want to say no but I cannot hurt him further.

"Sounds like a plan then…so excited, couldn't contain myself", I blurted out and he frowned. I don't know why. He saw something else. He always sees something that I cannot. "Calm down, Haymitch. I am coming. I am", I assured him.


	6. Chapter 6

_(Present day)_

I made it a point not to go anywhere near sharp objects when Haymitch is around. It's hard to see him jumping to the thought of me cutting myself open though the idea never left my mind. Suicide is not something instilled in my mind since birth but I cannot get rid of it ever since after the war. I gave up in my cell when I got left behind. I wished for death to come to me but it never did. I was found but I still feel lost.

Katniss and Peeta keep me company when Haymitch is out. I am not blind. It's their way of keeping an eye on me. They don't trust me to be alone and I can understand that. Twelve is not much and I don't have a job so I grew bored right away. I got nothing to do. I am not the hunting type and I don't like Haymitch's geese. I don't know how to bake and I can't work in the kitchen because Haymitch always look so alert when I step foot in it. I would love to start sketching clothes again but I seemed to forget how. Gardening is not for me since I cannot stand to see dirt on my skin. It reminds me so much of my time in prison. I was so filthy then. The books on Haymitch's shelves are tempting but I don't want to impose. They're his. I filled my days cleaning when the house doesn't need it. I organize and organize everything.

"You should come with me to town sometimes. They opened new shops. We can go look. You love shopping", Peeta suggested one morning.

I used to. I can probably buy everything in their store but I don't feel the same way about the hobby anymore.

"That's nice but I would like to remain here instead", I declined politely.

"…and do what exactly? Scrub the floor until it turned white?" Katniss spat.

Normally, that calls for a lecture about manners but I don't find the energy in me for that either so I kept it shut. I think she waited for me to call her out too.

"We just want you to have some air, see the district. You spent all your time in this house. You don't even walk outside or visit our house", Peeta explained in a kinder tone.

What can I say? I don't want to go out because I don't want to hear what Twelve's people will say to me? I had my fair share of that in the Capitol from everyone.

"This house is enough", I simply said and excused myself to clean some more.

When Haymitch came home, he stopped in front of me while I sat on the sofa staring at the bottle of whisky I found under a secret compartment underneath the floor. Scrubbing floors multiple times has it perks, I guess.

"It's sealed", I muttered.

"I told you. I am sober. Ain't sneaking behind your back, sweetheart", he said.

"…but you want to", I guessed.

"Yes", he confirmed.

I took a deep sigh and I can taste the alcohol in my mouth even though I haven't had one since I left the Capitol.

"Don't you dare", he warned and that earned him a look from me. "Don't even put your finger on that bottle", he added.

"What are you talking about?" I asked with a frown.

"Stop playing dumb with me, princess. I know that look. I've worn that look for years. Once you touch that, you will not stop and this will be Capitol all over again. Plutarch filled me in. His guys were watching you every night, you know. Those mornings you found yourself safe in your bedroom and wondered how in Panem you got there? They're the ones who picked you up from where you passed out and brought you home. I am not going to let you go down that road again", he answered.

Now I know how I got home from long night of getting wasted. I knew it wasn't all me.

"That would explain a lot. Sometimes, I fantasized and pretended that it was you who brought me home, that you didn't left and you stayed in the city watching over me and keeping me safe. It was a nice and comforting fantasy. It all shattered when I got dragged in that alley", I have said more than I should have and the look he gave me screams that.

"What do you mean you got dragged in an alley?" he asked.

The bottle of whisky is seriously calling my name, begging to be devoured. I wanted to ignore Haymitch and grab it and down it my throat.

"That's not important. I am sorry I touched your bottle. Don't see the reason on keeping it and hiding it when you're not drinking it though but still, it wasn't mine to touch so I apologize", I said in a polite manner or the best I can manage of it.

I was about to retreat to our room when he grabbed my arm to stop me. I tried to yank it away but he's grip is strong. He's always been strong. I don't know why I even bother resisting.

"What do you mean that you got dragged in an alley?" he repeated his question.

I don't want to answer it. I don't want to tell him what happened. I can't even bring myself to form the words in my head. The images…flashes from what I can remember is now flooding my brain.

"Let it go, Haymitch. It's not important", I said firmly and his gripped tightened it hurts. "A lot held me tighter than that, Haymitch. If you meant it to scare me, you're doing a poor job at it. Perhaps a whip might do the trick", I muttered and he let go.

He looked shocked as his eyes darted to my arm. I know it's going to bruise but I didn't pay attention to it.

"Leave it be, Haymitch. I won't touch your liquor and we will not have _that_ discussion", I said before going upstairs.


	7. Chapter 7

I didn't return the bottle where Effie found it. I threw it as far as my strength can afford. I heard it shatter as it hit the ground and that's fine with me. I don't want Effie anywhere near alcohol ever again. That's not her. I won't let her become me right in front of my eyes. I can't stop replaying her voice in my head. _It all shattered when I got dragged in that alley_. I asked her repeatedly about it but what's the use? I know what she meant by that. She got attacked and I know it happened in the Capitol. Plutarch informed me how the people there perceived her. I called him the day after the night she told me she was harassed back in the Capitol. I never thought they would go that far. I didn't go imagining what happened in that alley. If she cannot get herself to tell me about it, it means the worst and I don't want to have that picture in my head.

I didn't force her to tell me what happened. If she doesn't want to, it's fine. I know it must be hard and I am not going to make it harder for her. I cooked her breakfast, bought her books since she's reluctant to read mine. She smiled as she browsed through them, delighted she finally got something to fill her time with other than cleaning the house. I bought a television so we can watch drama shows at night and she's happy about that.

"You used to hate this kind of shows", she muttered one time we were watching something about a woman marrying another man that she doesn't love at all. I think there's a guy character who's supposed to be her true love or something and that's the whole drama. I am not good interpreting that shit.

"It's not my cup of tea but if it gets me to cuddle you while you get all emotional watching them, it's fine with me", I explained.

Her eyes shifted from the screen to look at me. I felt her stare burning a hole on my cheek so I turned to look at her too.

"What?" I asked.

"I was sober when that happened", she started.

I know where she's going. She's back at that topic. She made it clear she doesn't want to talk about it and now here she is about to spill everything.

"It was a good day or so I thought. I got loads of work in the office and it felt good to get my hands busy and be important again. I didn't touch a single drop of tequila the entire day and I intended to go back home right away so I could crash on my bed and sleep. I walked back home when I should've called a cab. Silly me. I wanted to see the new park and that's when it happened. Someone just grabbed me and pulled me into an alley and few men joined. I lost track of everything or more like I shut everything out. It was no use fighting. They were too many of them anyway. I was thankful I didn't receive a fist to my face. They laughed afterwards, I think, and then they left me there. When I finally pulled myself together, I resuming walking to my apartment like nothing happened", she continued.

Her hands are shaking. I can feel my blood boiling and I wanted to punch someone in the face real hard.

"When did that happen?" I asked.

How come Plutarch's guy did not see that one? Maybe they did and they let it happen. I need to have a good chat with him later.

"The night before…I was just lost, Haymitch. I was hanging for so long telling myself _'give it another go and live through day. See what happens'_ and then that happened, I just felt myself died inside. I drank and drank but it wasn't enough. I thought about calling you but the voices…they were so loud. I wanted to shut them out so badly, I couldn't see any other way. That was my way out so I took all of them", she answered.

I knew Effie wouldn't just go try to kill herself over being alone and the constant nightmares. She's stronger than that. I know it. I've seen her conquer the torture she endured and managed to get herself to prep Katniss and be there for Peeta. Those assholes that violated her pushed her to the edge. _I was hanging for so long_, she said. She was trying to live. She was trying to heal herself and find her footing and they shattered that for her. It was the last straw. They broke what was left of her walls and she gave up. She let go.

"I am sorry, Eff. I should've been there. Fuck. I shouldn't have left you there. I should've taken you with me", I apologized.

I knew she wasn't coming with me though because of Peeta but if I had only asked her, insisted, she might have went with the boy when he returned to Twelve.

"It wasn't your fault, Haymitch. I don't want to tell you but I know I have to. I was really bad in keeping secret from you anyway. I slip and you can see right through me", she said.

I tightened my hold on her. I don't want to let her go. Never again. She's here and I won't lose her again.

"Thank you for telling me. I know it's hard but you don't have to carry all of the nightmares alone. I am here. I am not leaving again. I will carry it with you so it won't be that heavy anymore. I promise", I said.

She smiled fighting the tears in her eyes.

"That would be nice", she replied.

Plutarch is clueless about what happened to Effie in the Capitol. He said his guys never reported anything as such. Some guards they were.

"Give me their names. I want you to find out who they were. All of them. I know you can because you control pretty much every camera in the city and you got access to all information so you can and you will find out who are those assholes you hurt her", I said on the phone.

"What will you then?" he asked.

"That would be my business. Find out who they are", I answered and ended the call.

"What will you do when you get their names?" Effie asked behind me echoing Plutarch's question.

I turned around and she's looking intensely at me.

"I'd rather not tell than lie, sweetheart", I muttered.

"You're not killing anyone, Haymitch. You're not going to hunt those men down and you're not going to kill them. You will stay here with me. You promised you will not leave again", she said.

"Fine. I won't hunt them down and kill them. I will stay right here with you", I agreed.


	8. Chapter 8

Haymitch did just what he said. He stayed with me and for that I am grateful. It felt good somehow to be able to tell him what happened in the Capitol and why I did what I did. He felt like he's to blame on my failed attempt to end everything but he's wrong and he needed to know that. It's everything. The world, Snow, rebels, Coin, myself…it's fault of too many to enumerate. I know he will not mention any of that to the kids. They cannot know that ugly part of my stay in the city. They will be devastated, especially Peeta. He already felt bad about what I did because he thought if he hadn't left, that will not happen.

"Wow, you guys really did play fucking house", Johanna's greeting as soon as she stepped into the house.

She left Four to visit us since Annie won't stop asking her to go. Apparently, they knew what happened with the sleeping pills and they wanted to know if I'm doing better so Annie sent Johanna over. I am not sure if Jo is happy about it but you can never tell with her anyway. Her hair grew longer which is nice. I like it better than her bald head. I was there when they shaved her head. They did before they electrocuted her. The day after, they shaved my head as well. I thought they will do the same thing to me but they didn't. They just wanted to humiliate me further since they got a different idea of torture for me.

"Princess", Haymitch's voice snapped me out of the horrible memories and I found all of them looking directly at me.

I became self-conscious all of a sudden. I don't like being the center of attention, not this way. I met Jo's eyes and she knows. We developed some sort of silent communication. Being imprisoned for some time will do that. She never liked me before and I never liked her manners but after being locked up together, we became more than friends.

"You back with us, Trinket?" she asked with the same arrogant tone she likes to use but it no longer fools me.

"Sorry I was just thinking of something. Would you like something to drink preferably nonalcoholic since it's only nine in the morning?" I offered.

Johanna scoffed and rolled her eyes around.

"You're no fun. I'll settle for coffee since I know there is no more stash in this house. You all gone boring", she said.

We caught up for hours. Johanna cannot stop ranting about Annie and Finn to all of us and how much stress she's in raising a young boy. She tried to make it sound like a pain but we can see how much she adores Finn. Finnick will be so touched and proud if he can see his best friend stepping up to take care of his family for him. She started interrogating everyone about what keeps them busy everyday phishing for information about a secret bar or spot where she can get wasted until morning but she got none. Like she said, everyone here gone boring.

I stepped out for a moment to let them have their moment. To be honest, I felt claustrophobic. They're just five of us in the living room and it felt like we're hundred in there. I need air. I took out the cigarette pack in my pocket and lit one up to ease the anxiety. I don't want to risk everyone seeing me having a panic attack. This is not the time for that.

"You always said you're quitting", Johanna said and then sat beside me.

She took the pack from my hand and lit one for herself. I must admit. She picked up this habit from me. She used to hate it at first but after the war, she craved it.

"I cannot drink. Haymitch will destroy the entire house if I touch a bottle so this is the only thing that smooth the edges for me", I explained.

I saw her nod. She knows he's sober now and we both have seen how he was when he was drunk. He doesn't want me to be like that too.

"Yeah…you got no pills to pop too so better smoke", she muttered.

It was plain and simple but her tone has a punch to it. I thought I would hear lectures and yelling from her earlier as soon as she came in but she saved it for this moment alone with me.

"Well, I can always get one but I chose not to. I cannot hurt everyone around me so I just have to face the nightmares every night", I said.

She snorted.

"Bullshit. You know that was the most stupid thing you did in your entire existence and you did a lot of stupid things, Trinket, but that just topped everything. Suicide? Never pegged you for being that type? What was the point in fighting all that time in prison, huh? What was the point of enduring all those whips and punches and torture? If you're planning on dying, you should've stopped resisting back then and let the Peacekeepers murder you", she exclaimed.

Her hand started to shake but she controlled it before resuming with her cigarette.

"I never thought I am capable of that either until I was right there. It felt right at the time, you know. I was at the end of the rope and I got pushed back even further. Stupid, yes. You have the right to be angry with me", I said.

"I am not. I am disappointed. They're dead so you can relax", she muttered. I turned to her as fast as I can. "Please…I know Haymitch too and better on some levels too, like on the level of being a killer. I told him you wouldn't just go trying to kill yourself without good reason and I guessed he found it. Beetee informed me that couple of guys were found dead in an alley. I knew it was him. I pieced it all together and by the look he gave me earlier, I guessed it right", she added.

"He's here the whole time", I muttered.

"He's Haymitch Abernathy, Trinket. He doesn't need to be in the Capitol to have someone killed", she said.

_Fine. I won't hunt them down and kill them. I will stay right here with you_. He promised to not kill them himself but he didn't say he will not have them killed. Why haven't I seen that back then?


	9. Chapter 9

_It was done…_

I felt a wave of relief as soon as I heard those words. They deserved it, those bastards. I found out they were rebels from Thirteen. They were the same guys following her every night, harassing her at some point with words and insults. My contact in the city, definitely not Plutarch, did the research. I did what Effie ask of me. I remained here in the Village. There is nothing to be guilty of. Honestly, if it's up to me, I would've wanted to slit their throats myself but I don't want Effie to be incredibly mad so I just paid someone to do it for me. I got the same result anyway.

Johanna's arrival brought some fun in the Village. She's loud. It's hard to keep up the sober phase with her around because she's constantly nursing a bottle but I settled with Effie's tea. If I picked up that habit again, Effie will follow and if she started drinking again, she will fall back to pills again and I cannot handle that.

"We need to talk", Effie whispered to my ears when she came back from outside followed by Johanna.

I know that tone. She's serious. I turned to Jo and I know she said something that put Effie on edge. She can always work up someone if she wants to.

"Yeah, sure…we can go upstairs", I replied.

Johanna snorted.

"Really, Trinket? You're going to give him a hard time about that? He's just looking after you. He is protecting you and avenging your honor and that shit. Stop being a bitch", she exclaimed.

That got Katniss and Peeta's attentions pretty quick. The laughter died instantly in the room.

"Stay out of this, Jo. I don't go meddle in your business so stop meddling with mine", Effie said losing all the Capitol accent and her composure at the same time.

"What is going on?" Katniss asked, completely lost.

Peeta shared the same look as Katniss.

"That was my choice, Trinket. I sleep around because it feels good and that's my choice. It's not like I go out to get rape out there", Jo snapped.

Effie's whole body tensed as well as mine. I knew Johanna figured out the whole business with that rebel assholes who assaulted Effie. That explains why she's so upset right now. Jo told her.

"Stop. Don't go right there, Jo. You promised not to say a word", Effie warned.

The mood shifted and the kids got lost even more.

"You're not even denying it. How can you be so damn martyr?" Johanna asked. Effie is panting. "He left you behind. He told you nothing and left you to take the fall. You got locked up and tortured and got left behind again and again, still, you're living here like nothing fucking happened. You want to spare them the details of what happened in that cell", she added.

I suppose we're not talking about the rebel gang I ordered to get killed. This is something else.

"Johanna, stop. I told them what happened", Peeta intervened.

Sometimes I forgot that he's with them in prison. He recovered pretty well despite his episodes, he regains parts of him.

"Did you also tell them how those Peacekeepers took turns on Trinket?" Johanna asked and that's when things went to the drain.

We heard glass shattering. Our heads turned towards the window thinking it's from outside but the sound didn't come from there. It came from inside the house. None of us are holding any glass or bottles. I caught Katniss' eyes darted to Effie and widened. I turned to Effie and saw her hand bleeding. Katniss immediately covered Peeta so he wouldn't see the blood. It's one of the boy's triggers. Effie must've been holding a glass of water and for some reason, she managed to crush it with her bare hand. She looked pale and her breathing won't slow down. Her eyes fixated on Johanna.

"Come to the bathroom. We need to pull out the broken glasses from your hand before it gets infected", I said calmly but she's not paying any attention to me.

"Trinket", Jo muttered. The anger and annoyance are now gone from her face. They were replaced with regret and guilt. She's suddenly sober.

"The next train to Four is tomorrow morning. Please see to it you catch it. I don't want to see you when I wake up", Effie's voice is cold and harsh that it made Jo flinched.

"You're kicking me out? I just told them the truth. You let Haymitch and his precious bird get off so easily. It's their fault you were imprisoned. It's their fault that happened to you. They needed to know that in their conscience", Johanna explained.

If I wasn't holding her hand, Effie would've clenched it again and the shards would've just gone deeper.

"Okay, that's enough for tonight", I intervened but it's no use.

"If you want something to know in your conscience, perhaps you should ask yourself why they turned their attention to me then", Effie muttered and that shut Johanna up.

For a moment, it seems like Jo will burst into tears. Her arrogant, annoying and aggressive façade is gone.

"I can clean my own hand, Haymitch. I trust you can handle the kids while I go upstairs. Please, excuse me", Effie said and went upstairs.

I wanted to follow her but Jo looks like she's about to breakdown. I went to her and glanced towards Katniss and Peeta. She nodded telling that she got the boy so I took Jo outside.

"I didn't mean to push her like that. I was just being foolish. I was angry when I found out what happened and I got flooded with anger. Do you think she'll stay mad at me forever?" she asked beaming with tears which is a rare sight.

"She's upset. You know she can never really be mad at any of you. She can be mad at me and right now I think she is", I answered.


	10. Chapter 10

_We can try this one._

_She's dirty, can't you see?_

_So what? She's a fucking Victor!_

_Why don't you all shut up for one second? You're giving me headache!_

_Told you she got fire!_

_You like fire so much why don't you try Ms. Escort over there? That one is pain in the ass._

_That is not a bad suggestion. I spent years seeing her on TV and magazine._

_Might as well fuck a celebrity._

_Wait. Hold on. I was just kidding!_

The sting of the disinfectant on the cut snapped me out of that nightmare. I have never thought of that since I got out of the hospital. It's not even included in my flashbacks. Guess, I was that good at blocking it. Now, the dam is open. I can't get it out of my head. I was glad it was me though instead of Johanna. I don't think I can take it hearing them do that to her and I couldn't do anything about it. At the same time, I felt sick to my stomach. It's one thing to willingly sell myself to sponsors to save the children but to be treated like that by the Peacekeepers is more than I can take. It is not something I would've like to share to anyone, especially to Haymitch.

Haymitch. He got those men killed for me. It may not be him directly but he ordered it. Should I be touched? He hates having blood on his hands. I am becoming more and more of a burden and I don't want to be. I don't want to be alone either.

I turned on the water on the tub so I can freshen up. I cannot go downstairs looking like a mess because it will set Peeta off. For some reason, I didn't bother taking my clothes off while going in. The cold water felt great on my skin. It numbs everything away.

Life used to be so easy for me before the games. Clothes and parties make me truly happy. Those were enough for me to go on. When I started being an escort, things changed. My eyes got opened real fast. It is a good thing, yes, but at the same time I wish they remained close. It was hard doing the same job for years without power to save the kids I sent to the arena. I was paid to smile and make a show and if I fail, it's my head on the platter. Being naïve and ignorant would've helped me in those situations. I would've been fine sending them to their death. I wouldn't have been too close and I wouldn't have been locked up.

Do I regret being with my team? No, absolutely not. It's just my foolish self, thinking and wishing. I would protect them again and again. They are my team. They are my family.

"Effie! Effie!" I heard someone yelling.

Haven't I emphasized enough that there should be no yelling inside the house? It's not proper at all and very uncivilized. I felt hands grabbed my shoulders and pulled me up.

"Damn it, Effie. Wake up!" is that Haymitch?

I can swear it is his voice. Why is he yelling? I am pretty much awake. When I finally opened my eyes, really opened my eyes, I guess, I felt this rush in my chest and the need to cough so I did.

"That's right. Let it all out", he said while rubbing my back.

Cold. It is so cold. Was I coughing water out? My eyes darted to my wet clothes then to the tub with overflowing water in it. I forgot to turn off the faucet.

"What the hell are you doing?" Haymitch caught my attention. "You said you were trying, that I don't have to worry too much. What is this? Huh? You're going to give me a heart attack!" he exclaimed to my face and pulled me into his arms.

It felt nice. He's very warm and I needed warm. Why is it so cold?

"What are you doing? Tell me. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to help. Tell me", he asked as he pulled back.

Desperation is all I can see in his eyes. My eyes fell back on the tub again.

"I am sorry. I forgot to turn off the faucet and I made a mess in your bathroom", I apologized.

I can clean it up. I got money to pay the water bill. I can fix it. He doesn't need to be that mad.

"What? Sweetheart, why do you keep on trying to kill yourself? Aren't we enough for you to stay alive? Am I not enough?" he asked again.

Kill myself? I wasn't trying to kill myself.

"I'm not. I was just…I just want to relax so I went in the tub and the cold water made me feel relax and I just sat there and relax and the next thing I knew, you were yelling at me. I just forgot to turn off the faucet", I explained.

I can see that he's not believing everything I said. When you have a record in trying to end your life, whatever you say next time is no longer valid.

"Princess…you went into the tub with all your clothes on. You didn't bother turning the heater on and you're underwater", he said with a sigh.

That is odd if the situation is reversed. No sane person will get in the tub fully cloth. Perhaps, it's my subconscious then. I don't know. It is too cold for my brain to even work. I cannot think of anything to justify what just happened.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I am really sorry, Haymitch", I apologized and I meant every word of it.

I hate seeing him like this. I've seen this look for years each time we lost a kid in the arena. I don't ever want to see this again.

"Oh, princess…" he muttered and pulled me into his arms again.


End file.
